<?php
/**
 * <https://y.st./>
 * Copyright © 2018 Alex Yst <mailto:copyright@y.st>
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**/

$xhtml = array(
	'<{title}>' => 'Double murder suicide',
	'<{subtitle}>' => 'Written in <span title="World Literature">ENGL 1405</span> by <a href="https://y.st./">Alex Yst</a>, finalised on 2018-07-18',
	'<{copyright year}>' => '2018',
	'takedown' => '2017-11-01',
	'<{body}>' => <<<END
<p>
	Three people were found shot dead in Chicago Lying-in Hospital today.
	The only suspected witness, a muralist hired by the hospital, checked themself into the Catbox soon after, so there are no first-hand accounts of what went down.
	At first, the muralist was believed to be the culprit, but gunshot residue and ballistics confirm the shooter was none other than one of the victims.
	A new father of three, one Edward Wehling, Junior shot Doctor Benjamin Hitz; the hospital&apos;s chief obstetrician; and Leora Duncan; a comfort specialist working for the Sheepdip, before shooting himself as well.
	Given the fact that he&apos;d just had triplets, it&apos;s believed he committed the crime to open up spots in humanity so all three of his children could be allowed to live.
	Authorities confirm that his grandfather on his mother&apos;s side was planning to give his spot to one of the children, but that no other volunteers had been found.
	Wehling likely planned for all three to live through his act of violence.
	However, the spots previously held by murder victims don&apos;t get reassigned based on the suspected wishes of their murderers.
	Otherwise, murder would be quite common in our society.
	Ironically, because Wehling didn&apos;t go through the proper procedures, not even his own spot was given to any of his children.
	Because he took his own life, he didn&apos;t acquire the necessary receipt from the Happy Hooligan.
	His murders and suicide were committed in vain.
	All three new openings were awarded to random prospective parents via lottery, as is done any time there are accidental or otherwise unplanned deaths.
	Wehling&apos;s grandfather likewise rescinded his offer to give up his spot.
	When asked for cometary, he said &quot;I was only willing to die so my grandson could experience the joys of fatherhood. It&apos;s too late for that now though. I love my granddaughter-in-law too, but not enough to die for her happiness.&quot;.
	All three triplets were put down later that day after their mother had said her goodbyes.
	Even if Wehling&apos;s crime had saved his children, his grieving widow would have to raise all three as a single parent.
	We can only imagine what he was thinking, but it clearly wasn&apos;t well-thought-out.
</p>
END
);
